Tank's Rants
by Mbissbinkola
Summary: Tank is here in the current time. And he's fucking confused and has plenty to rant about. OTPs, Call of Duty Fanboys/Girls, Richtofen. You name it, he'll gladly rant about it.
1. Fucking Welcome

Okay. What the fuck?

Somehow, don't fucking ask me why, but somehow, I ended up here. In this room. In front of this computer. In a completely different motherfucking time line.

I mean, god damn it! I just got used to living on the moon. The. Fucking. Moon. And not to mention in the sixties. And where am I from?

The.

Motherfucking.

Fourties.

And you may be asking: Who the hell is this crazy fucker?

I'm the badass war hero Tank Dempsey, that's who. Hell, I wouldn't be suprised if you had no clue who I was. You must be some lonesome idiot sitting on the computer. But then again, you wouldn't have clicked on this if you didn't know who I was, wouldn't ya? If you do know about me, then you know I'm badass enough to figure out how to use these damned things. I thought computers would only be for nerds and Nazi scientists. Then they invented the mouse and the Intenet.

And a little thing called Fanfiction was invented somewhere along that. I mean seriously. Seriously? Write your own fucking stories for once! You put a little fourth grader through enough!

Seriously, poor kid. He has to go through all that shit at such a young age. And then he comes across this shit...you people make me shudder. And that's coming from a guy who has lived on the moon, killing the shit out of zombies. A guy who has survived World War Two. A guy who lives with an insane Nazi, a drunk ass Soviet, and a quiet Jap. A guy who had to kill zombies in numerous ways. You putting a little kid through the shipping train...I can't think of a worse torture. I'm going through it myself. It's not as bad, because our fandom is pretty small compared to the South Park fandom or the MLP fandom. Fucking MLP. I hate your fandom so much. It's sickening. But let's save that rant for another day.

But let me tell you, I'm fucking confused as to how I'm here. We were all on the moon. We just fell asleep, and poof! We're fucking here.

Even Richtofen's confused. The fucking bastard has no clue how we got here.

But we met this girl, she's only fourteen, and she wants me to type this. She's nice, I guess, but she can be a fangirl at times. And she ships me and another one of my team mates. If I can even call them that. I'll leave that for another rant, too.

I'm done for now. I have so much to rant about. But I need to keep it on one subject.

Good bye for now, fuckers.

* * *

**OOC: Dang, Tank! Why do you swear so much?**

**You guys can choose what he can rant about next. :3**

**This is going to be fun~!**


	2. Fucking Fanfiction

Well. I'm back.

And I'm fucking pissed.

Why? Because of this stupid website.

Fanfiction.

First of all can't you make a regular story? Y'know: an original one? One that doesn't involve 'yaoi' or 'yuri' or 'yiff' of other characters that aren't even yours. You know what? Keep the Yuri. That shit's hot as fuck.

Anyfuckingwho, fanfictions are just...how do I describe this? Uncool. I know I'm being soft, but fucking stupid seems too cruel. Because there are actually some good fanfics about us. Y'know, about me and the rest just killing shit and trying to survive. Some have pretty logical 'head cannons' about us, too. And some are pretty spot on. But, the rest is shit.

Don't even get me started on the yaoi. First of all, how do you even pronounce that? Yow-ee, right? Ha. That sounds like someone got hurt seeing what it was.

Anyway, the type of homo-erotic shit you imagine and type up to post on Fanfiction is just...disturbing.

And most of it happens to contain me and Richtofen...that's just fucking gross. He's an old ass man. And he happens to be looking over my shoulder right now. He's giggling like a little bitch at what I'm writing. One second. Let me get rid of him.

Well, that took a while. I just managed to push him out of the room. He was pretty damn pissed. The only reason he isn't in here right now is that Nikolai managed to get him to calm down by offering him beer.

Normally, it would be vodka, but that hardly works on the fucking kraut. And Kola's parents happened to have some beer in their fridge. Richtofen said something in German, Nikolai laughed and _dragged_ him into Kola's kitchen. It was the funniest fucking thing to see that Nazi bastard being dragged away. I'm not joking. He kicked and screamed and everything. Even Takeo chuckled.

Anyway, back on topic.

The yaoi is fucking creepy. Richtofen would probably think so if he knew about it. Thankfully, he doesn't, because Kola doesn't want him to either fanboy or kill everyone.

Don't even get me started on the other pairings.

Nikolai almost threw up when we found out about our 'ship'. We're only friends damn it! I mean...ew! It's so fucking disgusting! I'm going to save this rant for another day.

Takeo and I just won't work. Even IF I was gay, which I'm not, that wouldn't work out. That's all I have to say about that.

Anyway, the other fanfictions are weird, too. Us becoming cats, us becoming chicks, us dying...you name it, I bet it'll be there.

I hate how they make us so emotional. We don't fuckin' care about much other than who wins a game of cards and who needs reviving. Sure, if one of us die...we'd be pretty damn sad. Hell, if Nikolai died, I'd be sad. I mean, who wouldn't be if you're stuck with a person you can't stand and a person who wants nothing to do with you? But they make us cry. They make us wanna die. I wouldn't wanna fuckin' die if that happened! I would wanna move on! I'm saving this rant for another fuckin' day too.

Fanfiction itself is an okay website. But...Jesus fuckin' Christ, this whole website is full of mushy, disgusting romance stories. Hopefully you won't find alot of crap and AT LEAST find something decent.

...I'm done. I'm all ranted out.

Is that even a word? Ranted out...?

Fuck it, it is now.

* * *

**OOC: Sorry I didn't post in a while! I was grounded off my iPod and the computer for a while, so yeah...**

**Secrets: He ranted about the terrible fics on here, as you can see. XD Thanks for Reviewing! For a while it seemed like I was the only person left in the fandom.**


	3. FUCKING RICHTOFEN!

Okay. I actually am looking foreward to ranting about something today. And that thing is Richtofen.

Mother.

Fucking.

Richtofen.

Oh, god, I hate him. _**HATE HIM**_! Lemme tell ya why.

First of all, he's a Nazi. A goose stepping, Jew hating, sieg heiling _**NAZI**_. Is that not reason enough to hate someone? Those fuckers killed so many people, according to 'Kola. Not as much as the Soviets, apparently (Nikolai was so pissed off when he found out about the mass killings _his_ people did. He's not very proud of being a Soviet anymore, to say the least). But still, those people (If you can even call them people) hated Jews and gays. Why Jews and gays? I'm sorry, I just don't understand the logic behind that. Why _them_? I'm not Jewish _or_ gay (Sorry, fangirls, RiDe's never happening) but _I_ don't want them all to die. I mean, that kid Kyle from Southpark is freakin' awesome, and if he wasn't a little kid, I would go out and drink a beer or two with him. Gian from Lucky Dog 1 and Aoba from Dramatical Murder are cool guys. Gian's fucking awesome and great to have a beer and some gum with. Same thing with his buddy Ivan. His boyfriend...has a grudge against Americans. But we get along okay (He has great taste when it comes to sweets, too. I can't complain about that). Aoba's gay as a freakin ice cream truck, but he's cool. His boyfriend's cool, and if he weren't German, we would've been friends right away. Wait, why am I talking about these guys? I'm supposed to be ranting about Richtofen, not talkin' 'bout my friends from other fandoms.

...Anyway, Richtofen is a Nazi. That's not even the tip of the iceberg, people, so listen up.

He is a fuckin' faggot. I swear to god, he is gay as an ice cream truck. No wait, gay_er_ than an ice cream truck. Hold up, he's gayer than Aoba. **WAAAAAY** gayer than Aoba. I mean, god damn! I can stand Aoba. I mean, he's clearly gayer than three dogs havin' at it, but at least _he_ doesn't go around _flirting_ with every cute guys he sees. Mainly, he flirts with _me_. It's annoying as hell. He winks at me. He checks me out when he thinks I'm not watching. He even _kissed _me once or twice. It's. Fucking. Disturbing. He thinks that he could get me to be his boytoy or some shit. He's wrong! I don't go that way (Thankfully he only does this when we're alone for some reason)! Urgg...I'm just getting started, and I'm already pissed!

Oh, and he's a smart ass. It's annoying. He has this photographic memory or something, and he can remind me of something that happened that I had completely forgotten. Or something I told him under the influence of Nikolai's somehow plentiful Vodka. He also happens to know the exact words that trigger my anger. Thankfully, I know the exact words that trigger Richtofen's anger. 'You're a homo' is one of the many phrases that does exactly that. It gets him mad. Every. Fuckin'. Time. So mad, that he even switches to German in the middle of his ranting. A few more phrases that get him mad are 'You're a Jew hater', 'You take it in every hole available', and 'Shut up, Sourkraut'. Have fun, people.

Next reason is that he betrayed us. Just when I started to trust him, too. How the hell can anyone do that? He just left us there to die! With Sam, too...well, Sam is really a good kid. She gets along even with Takeo. Takeo, people. Takeo is badass, but he's the hardest person to comunicate with. It's a fuckin' miracle that she got along with him. And the fact that Richtofen experimented on her...fuck, man... is he a pedophile? **How could anyone do that!? How can anyone do that to a little girl, not to mention his adopted sister. HIS MOTHER FUCKING SISTER! **

Sorry, everyone! Tank needs to calm the fuck down, so I, Nikolai, shall continue this rant until he calms down.

Da, Richtofen is fucked up in the head. He keeps talking about hearing voices that only he can hear. He likes blood a little to much, too. I feel as if he needs mental help. No, screw that, he needs a fucking straight jacket. Well, need_ed_. Since he's not around his precious little minions, he's been acting much more sane. In fact, he is teaching Kola some German. And I am teaching her some Russian, and Takeo is teaching her some Japanese. She says she wants to be a linguistic major. Good fuckin' luck, I said to her. Japanese is fucking hard to learn. Ack, it is giving me head ache just thinking about it. Where's the damn Vodka...

Shit, I'm supposed to be ranting about him, da? I am still angry at him...but not to the extent of Tank. Hell, we were best friends at one time, I cannot hate him as much as he does. And, plus, he is getting better with his mental health problems, and he hasn't mentioned anything about voices in long time. And I just want to let you all know he has apologized genuinely several times. And that is **THE **hardest thing to do. Especially when, according to him, all he was doing was trying to make sure he protected us. His specimens. He was especially trying to protect Sam. Shit, here comes Tank. Hope he doesn't actually read this. I have head ache anyways. ...I'll have smoke with Kola's dad.

So what if he apologized!? It still doesn't change what he did!

He's a liar, too! Has it occured to anyone he could be lying?

That's another thing! How could he lie to us and keep a straight face!? I don't understand how he could do that. Well, his version of a straight face is an insane grin, but still!

...Ugh...I'm done.

I don't wanna think about him anymore.

* * *

**OCC: Well, this is the next chapter! Hope you like it!**

**To H0n3yGlaz3: Thanks! And yeah, I was pretty suprised that no one made this yet.**

**To Secrets: Thanks! I hope you like this new one~!**

**Nikolai: I hope you like my little bit there, da. Hell, I know you did. I know you love me 3 (Yes, I figured out how to make a heart via typing! This calls for Vodka!)**

**Tank: Jesus, Nikolai. How long did it take for ya to figure out...?**

**Nikolai: A very long time!**

**Tank: Remember, people, you gotta give Kola ideas on what to do. She's running out of ideas.**


	4. Fucking Music Nowadays

What the _fuck_ happened to music?

The fourties didn't have much music I liked. But this is unbeliveable. I mean, the shit called music now shouldn't even be classified as music. I don't even know where to get started, so I'll do little catagories of them. En-fucking-joy.

**Dubstep.** First of all, really? Dubstep? Fuckin' _really?_ Give the smartass who made that name a fucking medal for making Tank Dempsey and his teammates laugh for several minutes just hearing the name of this 'music' genre. All it is is a modern version of rave music, which was terrible back then, and terrible now. It sounds like a robot having an orgasm for five minutes. No matter how heavy or soft the beat drop is, it's a robot having an orgasm. End of story. Richtofen likes some of it (for some fucking reason) and 'Kola likes lots of it. I don't understand people...however the only dubsteps, and I mean _the only_ dubsteps I like are the ones Korn did with Skrillex. I mean, Narcissistic Cannibal is one of the coolest fucking things ever. Make more dubsteps like that, and maybe then I'll give this genre a chance.

**Nightcore.** It's music, but it's sped up and high pitched...? Some of it is well done, don't get me wrong. However, lots of it make it worse. An example that 'Kola showed me is Welcome to the Family nightcored. Richtofen likes some of the nightcored music, but not all of it. what the hell is up with him and his music taste...? So yeah, I guess this is okay, but still, anyone can make a good nightcore out of music.

**Vocaloid**. It's anime, but it's not? And they sing songs that someone can enter into a computer? And some songs are offical and are performed by holograms onstage? I don't get it, but 'Kola, Richtofen, and Takeo seem to get it. Japanese things are always confusing...

**Twerk Music.** I don't have a name for this genre of music (if you can call it that) I've been hearing lately, so let's call it twerk music. If you don't know what I mean, I mean music like 'Turn Down for What' and 'Gas Pedal'. I mean don't get me wrong, I love the thought of a girl moving her ass. But when I see the videos on twerking, I laugh at what they're trying to do. It's not sexy. ...I'll rant about twerking next time, 'kay? This music is crap beyond belief. I mean, calling it crap is an honor. I'd prefer to listen to dubstep for twenty minutes than listen to this music for one second. Everyone in my team agrees! It annoys Richtofen even more than me. It brings him to a full phsychotic rage in one second of listening to this crap. Hell, calling it crap would be a compliment. So let's call it ear rape, because it violates my ears. The fact that anyone likes this music is unbeliveable. Un-fucking-believable. ...I'm done. Let's rant about another music genre.

**Boy Bands.** There are so many of these stupid boy bands that it takes forever to remember every single one. Okay, here are the ones I know: One Direction, Jonas Brothers, Fallout Boy (if they count: I think their music is okay, and I don't know any twelve year olds that talk about them), Nsync...I'm out of bands. But most of the music is for horny little girls. I think Southpark parodied this genre best. I mean, it's for little girls and all they like is their looks and not the music. Speaking of which...

**Justin Beiber.** Oh god. He had talent too. And then 'Baby' came out. Now he's a huge douchebag. Horny teenagers. That's the only reason he's popular. Horny teenagers and twelve year olds who like his baby face and find it attractive. His music talent has gone down the drain, and now I prefer Pop Goes Punk covers of his songs muuuuuuch more than the originals.

**Screamo. **I'M GONNA RANT ABOUT THIS IN ALL CAPS! SCREAMO ISN'T EVEN SINGING, IT'S SCREAMING! IMAGINE SINGING LIKE THIS "AND WE'RE JUMPING! AND WE'RE 'SINGING'! AND MY THROAT HURTS, FROM SCREAMING!" I WOULD SOUND LIKE AN ASSHOLE! SOMETIMES, SCREAMING IS APPROPRIATE IN SONGS, BUT DON'T DO IT ALL THE TIME! SPEAKING OF ASS HOLES, I'M LOOKING LOOKING LIKE ONE BY TYPING LIKE THIS. I APOLOGIZE.

I'm done. I can't think of much more to rant about music nowadays. Thank god Slash is still making music.

If he wasn't I'd probably put a bullet through my brain.

**OOC: Well, I hope you like this chapter~!**

**Next rant, Tank's going to rant about Internet fads, just so you know.**

***Making fun of Nirvana. :3**


	5. Fucking Internet Fads and Life Choices

Guess who's back you little shits?

That's right, your friendly neighborhood aggravated marine, Tank Dempsey. After nine fucking months of Kola having school issues, I have finally got access to a laptop. Kola's laptop, specifically. She's leering over my shoulder now and saying that what I'm typing on now is named Jade, and that "She's got feelings you know, you need to respect her!"

Now she's laughing and walking away. Good.

So, now it's time for me to shit on everything you know and love, because I'm going to rant about internet fads.

First of all, twerking. Let me tell you, as I mentioned in the last rant, I love booty. I mean I LOVE BOOTY. But when you twerk it, you booty pop that lock, I laugh. Nikolai likes it, Takeo thinks it's fucking dishonorable, and Richtofen thinks it's a waste of talent and dancing skills.

Nikolai is awesome, but he's crazily deprived. Jesus.

Still though, it really just is weird, and I'm glad it sort of died off. Like, if I were a chick, I would feel uncomfortable shaking my booty like that.

Lets talk about these really quickly dying fads, like Harlem Shake and the Wop.

Harlem shake was dumb from the start. It's just a bunch of incomprehensible words, then CAN YOU DO THE HARLEM SHAKE and everyone flops on the ground and starts humping it.

What the fuck?

Why the fuck?

How the fuck?

We will never know.

Then there's the wop, which I didn't like but didn't hate. It looked like a fun dance. But then it just died off. Kinda like Condom Style and I'm a Motherfucking Gentleman and What Does the Fox Say. They all sort of decided to drive off a cliff and perish, ya know?

Then there's memes. FUCKING MEMES!

How the hell do you even pronounce these things? Kola pronounces it like meem, but I think she's wrong. It's gotta be mey-mey, right? Or is it me-me? I don't even fucking know.

Pepe is the dumbest shit I've ever seen. I mean DAMN. It's just a really depressed looking frog. Get the fuck over it. Kola even put one in her presentation. She called it a rare pepe. What the fuck?

And then there are rage faces, which serve no purpose once-so-fucking-ever. The challenge excepted dude? Cereal Guys? Forever Alone? …

Okay, the rage faces aren't that bad. I like sending them to Richtofen and watching his face contort in utter confusion. I only like them for that purpose!

...Pepe ain't that bad either... It's kinda funny...

Ehem.

Okay, yeah, but the rest is shit!

Doge is fucking stupid! It's just a really cute dog looking at you. So what? Then there's IMMA FIRING MAH LAZ0RZ BWAAAAAAAAaH and THIS IS SPARTA remixes and Pedo bear.

All of it is fucking stupid except for those two.

Well except for-

Fuck it.

I'm done.

Have fun chewing on the turd I shat out for ya.

I'm gonna go ahead and contemplate my life choices before I dig myself a deeper hole.

* * *

**OOC: HEEEEEEEYYYYY YOUUUUU GUUUUUUUUYS~!**

**I'm back, and so is Tank! Did you miss us?**

**Tank: You better have, bitches.**

**Yea, they missed us, you meme loving fuck.**

**Tank: But memes are stupid!**

**So are you. **

** TheOnyxDragon12:**

**I will put subtle mini rants. I won't make whole chapters about that because I'm scared of pissing off whole countries (because we both know the leader of those countries have tiny dicks, m'kay, I don't want my country to blow up in the state it already is), but I will make a page about country music! :333**

** TriaTheFFWriter:**

**Thank you and no problem!**

** everyone:**

**Thanks for the wait! Sorry it took so long!**


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